▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 21, 2021 17:29:06 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 21, 2021 17:29:06 GMT -5
He didn't even realize he was clenching his jaw as she spoke, but his hands fisted the blankets underneath him, a tingling feeling of embarrassment seemed to be felt through his hands and his feet, and the weight of her words seemed to be felt in the heaviness of his chest. He hated the fact that she had seen him like that. Even his best friends had never known of his home life. It was his duty to keep the Rotherhithe secrets, after all, and here he was, failing at just that.
In his heart, he knew there was no justification for what they did. What any of them did, but his feelings were complicated. He didn't hate them, or maybe he did. For a while he did. Now? He wasn't so sure. At the end of the day, Cato was still his brother. Carina was still his sister. His father...he still wanted to please the man. To earn his respect. His love. Even if it was out of reach.
"Cato wasn't always that bad," his own excuses sounded weak, "he just...I know he had a lot of pressure on him too. I think he hated me because I didn't have to be him, and...I guess when I wasn't what my father wanted me to be, it gave him an excuse to lash out at me too. I–he wasn't like this with other people, I think. He would've treated you well, you know; he always had girls chasing after him when we were in school. Even though he was a menace, he didn't deserve to die. I think he was just as scared of the future as I was."
Then, to know that Aela had seen what he could do. What he was terrified he would do. He didn't dare to meet her eye; what if she thought he was a monster? He had done that. He hadn't been able to control himself. He had nearly killed her just now too. Cassian felt a sudden itch in his own skin, one he desperately wanted to scratch, as if he just felt...dirty.
"I wish you didn't see that," he mumbled, his chest actually physically aching at the thought of the monster he could become, his own hands absentmindedly scratching at his wrists, "I'll do better. I'll...control my powers. I promise, I'll figure it out."
I won't let myself hurt you, he thought silently, unable to voice it.
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Feb 21, 2021 18:27:53 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 21, 2021 18:27:53 GMT -5
Aela listened to Cassian speak, watching the way he rounded in on himself, the way he scratched at his wrists, and her heart ached for him, for all he had been through, for all he was still dealing with. "You sound like me," she laughed dryly. "Making excuses for my father. Not that it's exactly the same situation, but... I still would pick you, Cass. We understand each other, more than your golden child brother would have."
Poor Cassian- he'd never been the chosen sibling, never the one who received the love or praise or understanding any child needed. Aela had never received that either, even if she'd been the chosen sibling. "I'm glad I saw it," she said, after a stretch of silence, reaching out to pour a mug of the tea that had been delivered by a maid during a pause in the conversation.
She pressed the tea into Cassian's hands. "And I'm glad you saw my memories. I'm glad, because I would not have been strong enough on my own to open up. We would have continued to misunderstand each other." Impulsively, she reached out, laying a gentle hand on his cheek, lifting his face so he looked her in the eyes. "Don't apologize for that, Cass. We'll figure it out together. I'm not your father, I'm your friend."
Aela offered him a soft smile, pouring herself a cup of tea and sipping the comforting chamomile and lavender blend. It was strange, sitting cross-legged in front of her husband, who had formerly been a stranger to her, trying to extend him the kindness she knew he needed- that she needed, too. It was strange, and alien, but it soothed a deep part of her soul.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 21, 2021 18:44:46 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 21, 2021 18:44:46 GMT -5
His hands were cold but the tea was warm, and a small sip meant that the said warmth was now spreading down his throat and to the rest of his body, chasing the chill away. "I guess we're just two birds of a kind, huh?" he murmured. In all honesty, he still wasn't sure whether he was grateful for any of this. Part of him would've preferred it if they had all been locked away forever, hidden in the recesses of his mind like they had been for years. It had never bothered him to this extent; he pretended most of these things didn't happen anyway. It was easier to compartmentalise than to address the issue head on.
Yet, speaking about it, talking about his fears without having to say them out loud, did feel cathartic to a degree. He still found it hard to really speak about it. To tell her how weak he felt, how much of a monster he felt, how terrified he was, of his father and of himself. He was still avoiding her gaze when her hand reached for his face, tilting it upwards so their eyes could meet.
Her eyes didn't hold any fear of him. Just...gentleness. No one had ever looked at him that way, at least, not knowing what they knew. Dante, perhaps, had seen him as close as he would ever allow anybody, and even Ezra at times, had seen him with his walls lowered just a little, but they had never truly known him the way Aela now did. For a moment, it took his breath away, to truly feel as if someone had seen all the dirty, disgusting parts of him and just...understood.
Cassian didn't know how to react. How could he? He had never encountered anything like this in his life; he constantly shied himself from anything that even appeared like intimacy, and he could feel his heart beat loudly in his chest. There were no words he could give to express a feeling he himself didn't understand.
So he didn't speak, simply reaching a hand out to squeeze hers once more, a silent thank you, a moment of vulnerability.
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Feb 21, 2021 19:30:47 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 21, 2021 19:30:47 GMT -5
She squeezed his hand in response, taking another long sip of her tea. After a pause, she let the moment fade into the background- they couldn't spend the rest of the day being sentimental. She had said what she felt needed to be said, and the rest could be understand through the glances and silent exchanges.
Aela grabbed her book from her bedside table, shifting up to sit shoulder to shoulder with Cassian instead of facing him. They both needed a moment to themselves, to mull things over without the pressure of having to verbalize their feelings. Even as Aela's eyes scanned the page, her mind didn't register the words, still lost in memories.
Just a bit ago she'd sworn she wouldn't be sleeping any more that night, but that wasn't true. As unnerved as she'd been by the dreams it was still late in the night- and as a light fairy with a strict sleeping schedule, it wasn't long until she drifted off. Her book slumped onto her chest, her head falling towards her shoulder as she dozed. This sleep was a far easier one, soothed by the revelations and the moment of connection with Cassian.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 21, 2021 20:00:11 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 21, 2021 20:00:11 GMT -5
Her presence was relaxing, as much as he'd hate to admit it. It was difficult to ever truly relax. Cassian had never found it easy to let his guard down, but seeing Aela return to normal, with a book in her hand, made things feel more...natural. Normal. He hoped that after this, after knowing that his powers were the ones affecting her, she'd have a better sleep. He still had no idea how to solve this, how to rein in his powers completely, but that was for a library visit later on in the day. For now, all he could do was remember the lessons his private tutor had told him. Meditate. Slow your heart rate. Clear your mind.
It was a beginner lesson, to be able to sort out one's own feelings and energies from those around them, but it was something he had never truly perfected. He'd have to find a way to do so now, before it was too late. He had heard the warnings of the teachers in his school, warnings his father never truly paid heed to, that those who lose control of their powers will eventually lose themselves to them. Becoming a wraith was the fear of every dark fairy, and he was determined to never let it get that far.
Turning to Aela, he noticed that she was already asleep. A soft smile graced his lips for a brief moment, as he moved to adjust her position, putting the pillows behind her a little more comfortably and pulling the covers over her shoulders. He could feel his own eyes starting to get heavy, but he fought against sleep.
As much as this had...helped, his fears weren't completely assuaged. The lack of control, it terrified him, perhaps more than even his father did. He had come so close this time...next time, things might not be this way. He vowed never to let it happen again.
With a sigh, he crawled out of bed, heading to the shower, allowing the hot water to practically singe his skin, scrubbing in a way as if he could wash the memories of it all away. Finally done with the shower, he put on a bathrobe and moved towards the lounge chair, deciding to nap there instead, lest his powers got out of control again.
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Feb 21, 2021 21:19:28 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 21, 2021 21:19:28 GMT -5
The next morning was awkward, but for the first time it was a wholesome kind of awkwardness. More... friendly and understanding, rather than the tense standoffs they'd had before. Aela suggested they meet at the stables in a few hours for a ride and a picnic lunch, and Cassian agreed.
Aela was dressed in her smart riding get-up, with a picnic basket on her arm, at the appointed hour. The ride out was was a pleasant one, in the warm spring air, under the green shadows of the trees in the back part of the castle grounds. They returned to the same clearing they'd eaten with Jessi at, and Aela set out the blanket and the wrapped sandwiches and drinks.
"So," she asked, sinking her teeth into a turkey and cheese sandwich. "Been up to anything interesting in your free time?" Apart from meals and their excursion to the ballet, they still spent plenty of time doing their own thing, apart from each other.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 6:59:05 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 6:59:05 GMT -5
Cassian's nightmares didn't return, to his relief. The rest of the night was uneventful, and he was surprised to hear Aela ask whether he wanted to go for a picnic. He'd never admit feeling grateful for that; his days were often filled with a feeling of loneliness these days, and it was nice to not be at each other's throats all the time.
It had been a while since they had ridden out, and the fresh air felt great, much better than the oppressive walls of the castle. It was moments like this that Cassian could dream, of riding through Kulkan or sailing on the coasts of Maline, or being anyone other than who he was.
Too soon, the ride was over, and they were in the same clearing of their first picnic, the memory still fresh on Cassian's mind. The sandwiches were great, and the weather was good; this was probably the nicest day he had in a long time.
He looked up at Aela's question. "Not really," he shrugged, "just those meetings and paperwork and more meetings...honestly I don't know how you do it. They're so boring. I just smile and nod half the time. Other than that...I guess I've walked around the castle almost a hundred times now." Now that he had slowed down on his little substance issue, he had found himself with almost too much time on his hands. Cassian wondered what Aela did in her spare time all the same. Maybe he should pick up a hobby.
"–how about you? You disappear half the time after meetings. Any...new books you're reading?" It didn't take long for Cassian to realize he barely knew her other than from their initial conversation on their wedding night.
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Feb 22, 2021 8:05:42 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 8:05:42 GMT -5
"Half the time I'm day dreaming during those meetings," Aela admitted with a small smile, sipping her water between bites of her sandwich. "Or recalling old bits of gossip I'd heard about the person I'm meeting with. Otherwise I'm with you. I'd die of boredom." Aela stretched out her legs, leaning back on her hands after finishing her sandwich.
She was still just out of her teenage years. Everyone seemed to forget that- she was well-trained in diplomatic matters, but it didn't mean she wasn't restless and eager to be doing something more interesting to her. This was the first time she was admitting it, however. "I walk too, around the gardens or even back here in the back woods sometimes. I find the changing seasons keeps things interesting." Her fingers picked absently at a loose thread on her skirt.
New books? Aela had returned to the library a few times, to dart in and quickly pick a new book before the bad memories that haunted her once-favorite place returned. And she now vehemently avoided the books that were slightly singed. Aela shifted, grabbing the book she'd packed in the picnic basket. "I'm reading this right now," she said, almost shyly, handing him the thick, leather-wrapped novel. It was a tale about an adventurer who traveled the world, fighting various myths and monsters with only a sword and shield. "I used to read a lot of romance, when I was younger-" if younger was two months ago- "but I realized it's all sappy and unattainable. They don't even talk like real people." Aela grinned faintly, rubbing the back of her neck as Cassian examined her book.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 9:24:39 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 9:24:39 GMT -5
He chuckled, leaning back on the picnic mat, glad to hear that he wasn't the only one completely bored out of his mind during meetings. "I mean last week, did you see Lord Wharton's face?" he rolled his eyes, "I swear to god he looks like he only eats lemons or something, with that expression on his face all the time." Cassian smirked at the thought of those nobles, constantly trying to impress the two kids that were basically in charge of the country.
Cassian turned to Aela as she spoke of her book. He still felt a twinge of guilt, that her whole 'happy ever after doesn't exist' attitude had been partially his fault. Adventure books, however, had been Cassian's favourite genre. As a child, he practically lived in these stories while holed up in his room, trying to avoid his siblings and his father's wrath. His interest had waned since, but a story of adventure still spoke to him.
"Do you like it?" he asked, looking at the leather cover, "more than the romance novels?"
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Feb 22, 2021 9:42:12 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 9:42:12 GMT -5
Aela laughed at the lemon comment, pulling an impression of Lord Wharton's face that was surprisingly accurate- like she'd practiced it before. "He's always been the worst. Really full of himself. Y'know, local gossip says he has a bastard hidden away somewhere. That's common enough among the lords, though."
Did she like it more than romance novels? "I like the book a lot," she said evasively. "I've always liked reading about stuff I can't do or have- it's a great way to pass the time when you're stuck in the same castle walls. My favorite part so far is when he tames a griffin. Part of me wonders if I could do that, if I were ever faced with one in real life."
Aela grinned. "I don't think I could, though I'd like to. I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat. What about you- if you could go on an adventure like that, would you?"
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 9:52:55 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 9:52:55 GMT -5
Cassian laughed, brows lifting in surprise at the juicy bit of gossip. "Does he?" he grinned, "Which one is it, a servant or a whore? I swear some of these lords can't keep it in their pants...but who am I to talk I guess. Can't throw the first stone." He was at least glad that if there ever were evidence there was of his....extramarital activities, it would certainly not be a child. If the man could choose, he'd probably never have kids, but their duty to the throne said otherwise. He just wanted to delay the inevitable until he was ready.
He had an immediate answer to her next question. "I'd be a pirate," he spoke a little too quickly, his eyes bright for a moment, before the sheepishness came to rest in the faint blush on his cheeks, "you know...every kid dreams about sailing around and fighting monsters, right? You hear stories about them in Vela a lot, pirates coming down from Maline. They make it sound like an actual job there, but to everyone in town, they're just a bunch of scoundrels."
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Feb 22, 2021 10:25:35 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 10:25:35 GMT -5
"That's where it's a little unusual," Aela said, tucking a curl behind her ear. "I don't know the girl's name, but it was a rich but untitled girl from Vela. I believe she's a few years older than us. Lord Wharton tried to keep it under wraps, but stuff like that spreads like wildfire in social circles. She wasn't even half Wharton's age when the bastard was conceived."
Aela's lips twitched in a bitter amusement at the mention of extramarital activities, before she responded to the other topic. "I'd like to be a pirate too," she said with a laugh. "No responsibilities, living for yourself and the open waters. I'm sure that's romanticizing it, but I think it would be fun, at least for a bit. I loved reading about how they defeated the kraken."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 11:30:28 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 11:30:28 GMT -5
"Spirits, that sounds horrible. These lords are literally the scum of the earth; they're practically sleeping with children," he scowled. He knew about that custom; rich, old men constantly sought younger wives and mistresses, often those who could not afford to say no. It was a normal thing; his father had often scoffed at it in amusement, pointing out that this was perhaps one of the few ways commoners could find themselves in a higher position than they could afford. It was the way of life, he would say. Cassian hated the idea, that someone his age would be forced to marry or wed a man old enough to be his father. Poor girl, he thought, she probably didn't even have a choice. Surprisingly, it was one of the few things he and his siblings could agree on.
"The one in Maline?" he piped up, looking up brightly, "I remember that story. I think Andi told me that one actually; apparently her uncle heads one of the houses that took on that beast. Imagine...having stories told about how you defeated that thing, how you led the navy to eternal glory, right?"
Of course, his understanding of that even was skewed, in the sense that it seemed almost fun to Cassian, but he had known little of true hardship, suffering, and loss in his life. He was bound to idealize the excitement of it all.
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Feb 22, 2021 12:03:19 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 12:03:19 GMT -5
"Yes, it sounds terrible," Aela agreed, grateful that that, at least, had not been her fate. "But it has little to do with us, at least. Though Wharton did hint at legitimizing the boy as his heir, the last time he was here. I may see the child once, for that purpose."
Aela smiled. "Yeah, the Maline kraken. It would have been amazing just to be there, to see the beast finished off after so many years of trying. I can't imagine the excitement of that victory. It would be nice to be known for being heroic, rather than being born into a royal family." In her own naivety, Aela was doing the same thing as Cassian, romanticizing the brutal loss of life from the beast, and the effort it had taken to fell it.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 12:14:30 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 12:14:30 GMT -5
He rolled his eyes. "Poor kid," he frowned, "they're just gonna take him from his mom like that and put him in a seat where everyone knows he's a bastard. He'd be better off living as a commoner. High society will only be cruel to him and all the women involved." High society was cruel, period, even more so within the dark fairy communities. They'd never accept a bastard–much less a bastard of this sort of pairing–as one of their own. Cassian was nothing but realistic, after all.
Cassian chuckled. "If you weren't born a queen and you were just a character in your novels, what would you have dreamed of?" he asked earnestly, "I know you were a romantic, but...how did you imagine your life to be before this?"
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Feb 22, 2021 12:28:15 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 12:28:15 GMT -5
"Well, who knows? The boy may have no choice. Perhaps if I extend my approval..." Aela said helplessly, before throwing her hands up. "That's a problem for another day." She didn't doubt they'd judge him, and she felt powerless to stop it. He was only a young boy, and he would never understand the burden placed on his shoulders.
Aela flushed at the question, fingers picking at the grass beside the blanket. "Do you mean what did I expect my life to be like a queen, or what life would I have picked if I could?" The first would be easier, less embarrassing to answer, though admitting to either question was something she'd never spoken aloud.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 12:33:16 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 12:33:16 GMT -5
He gave her a small smile. "You don't have to figure everything out for everyone else, Aela," he shrugged, "sometimes they just have to figure it out."
His eyes were fixed on hers, curiosity and a genuine interest in his expression as he rolled onto his stomach. "What you'd pick if you could...but I mean, I guess I'm interested in both now that you mentioned it."
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Feb 22, 2021 12:59:39 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 12:59:39 GMT -5
Aela pursed her lips, wanting to be open with Cassian but struggling to vocalize those deeply buried desires in her heart. She started with the easier question. "Well, I thought growing up that being queen would be easier. That my dad's 'preparation' would be everything I needed, that I'd be an influential and strong leader that the people looked up to. I know I'm not even a year in, but the goal seems harder than I expected, especially with the control the church exerts."
Then the other question, the one that for some reason was more embarrassing. "If I could pick any life... I don't know. I'd want a simpler one. I don't think I'd even be nobility. Maybe... I mean," Aela flushed, avoiding eye contact with Cassian. "Just a life out in the countryside. A husband and three or four kids. Enough money to make ends meet, but not enough to have to live with the expectations of appearances and social games. A flock of chickens and a cow or two, and a lively house to return to every night."
Perhaps it was embarrassing to her because it was so distant from the life she was required to live. Aela dreamed of warmth and family when she had been raised in cold stone walls and isolation. She wanted freedom and expansive fields and simplicity when she had rules and guidelines and complex issues to handle. "I don't usually dwell on it," she admitted quietly. "It's so far from what I could ever have."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 22, 2021 14:17:00 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 22, 2021 14:17:00 GMT -5
He nodded thoughtfully. Her dream seemed far away, yes, but it wasn't unreasonable. Plenty of kids like them probably wanted to be comfortable, outside of the bickerings and society papers and scandals that came with their position. "You could always do a prince and the pauper thing," he mused, "I'm sure you've read that book, you know, the one where the prince finds a doppelganger and they switch places? I mean, the ending is probably not selling the idea, but I'm sure it could be different if you tried it."
A husband and children and a simple life did sound appealing, even if it wasn't how Cass would've imagined his life. Ever. He could understand its appeal though. "Other than being a pirate, I thought about travelling the world, you know, maybe going to Kama and seeing the university and all. At one point I even wanted to be an artist."
He chuckled at the thought. It had been years ago, but he knew even thinking of it was sacrilege in his family; artisans were nothing but entertainment to nobles like them. The rich and powerful hired types of people like that, they didn't become them.
"You know, as a queen you could always have a summer house or something built in the countryside," he chuckled, "and take idyllic trips to your country home like all the nobles do in the summers."
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Feb 22, 2021 18:57:49 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 22, 2021 18:57:49 GMT -5
"Do you still make art?" She asked curiously, glancing over at him. She had not pictured him as an artist- she didn't know much about him. More than before, certainly, but little of his own hobbies outside of partying. Aela wanted to know him better, to be the real kind of friend that knew that kind of stuff.
"Perhaps," she said, smiling as she shrugged. "But I'm sure my designer would make a mansion out there and send an army out there to protect me. It wouldn't feel real, more like... a temporary distraction. Which I guess is what it is. I don't mind this life so much, and it's certainly better than starving in the streets. But you and I can travel, you know. I'd like to go, too."
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