the future was our skin and now we don't dream anymore

The ride back had been uneventful, or perhaps everything just felt so automatic now that he didn't have the energy to even think about things. He was much more subdued than usual. No more sarcastic quips and jokes, just simple nods and answers. It seemed like Aela didn't mind it as much this time, perhaps due to the fact that she seemed a bit distracted as well. 

It had been a long day. Or week, he thought. Next time would be better, when they weren't running on empty with a million things to worry about. Still, he slipped into bed not long after Aela, and as tired as he was, the dreams seemed intent on being horrible. 

The dream didn't register as a nightmare at first. It just felt like every other day in the castle. He was getting out of bed, taking the walk down to breakfast. Oh, Martha, he raised his hand to greet the maid, but she didn't respond, moving past him without a word. What? That was weird. As he continued walking, it seemed as if no one could see him. What was going on? Were they all in on some elaborate prank? 

Suddenly, he spotted a familiar shape. His sister, he thought, as he jogged over. Putting a hand on the girl's shoulder, she turned around–

–only to not have a face at all. Cassian gave a shout of surprise as he jerked back in horror. Carina? 

No, that wasn't Carina. Her hair wasn't this dark. He stepped back, feeling a tension flow down his spine, as he turned and ran. If that wasn't Carina, who was she? Why did he think she was his sister? 

There was a woman. Mother? Cassian was confused. Who were these people? Why did they seem so familiar and different at the same time? Again, he ran towards her, pulling at her skirts, as the woman looked down. 

She didn't have a face either. 

Who are you? the creature spoke, who are you? 

A terrible shudder ran down his spine, as he felt his chest seize, as the hallways seemed to grow darker, longer, more sinister. Was he alone? Where was everyone? What happened to them all? 

A guard...no, not just any guard. Ezra? A sigh of relief left Cassian's mouth as he ran towards the man, but as he reached for him, he disappeared into smoke. No. No, no, no. He whirled around, looking for help. Please, he thought, please let me out. A child? Lizzie? 

His breath caught in his throat. No, this wasn't real. This wasn't real. A movement caught his eye. 

Behind a pillar stood a small child, dark skin and gold eyes shining, fearful. Who was that? He frowned. 

"Hey!" he called out, as the girl's eyes widened and she ran. "Hey wait!" Cassian called out, chasing after the child once more.

He was following the child. Who was that? He had never seen her before, never met someone that looked like her, yet she seemed so...familiar in a way. What was the dream trying to tell him? 

It seemed like wherever he was going, the castle never seemed to end. He couldn't recognize any of the hallways. They all looked the same, and yet so foreign from the castle he had learned to call home. Was he ever going to leave this labyrinth? He sighed; it seemed like he was actually trapped this time. In a dream where nothing made sense at all. 

Wait. No, he recognised this. The stairwell. The one leading to the library? He had chased Aela down this one before, he'd recognise it anywhere. Running up the stairwell, he could almost laugh as he pushed open the heavy oak doors to the library. He was greeted by shelves of books, the familiarity made him sigh a breath of relief. At least some of these rooms made sense, he thought. 

He began moving forward, when a loud bang made him jump. Turning around quickly, he was relieved to see it was Ezra. Thank god. He was starting to think this nightmare would never end. Cass ran towards the man, ready to leap into his arms–

Fire erupted around him and he immediately jumped back, coughing on the black smoke in the air. "Ezra?" he spoked weakly. His voice was shaking. Why were the man's eyes so red? They glowed like embers in a fire–

Poor queen fucking Aela, right? She's got a palace, riches, a husband, and a lover all for herself, everything handed to her on a silver fucking platter. The voice was jeering, bitter, and it cut him to the core as he stepped back. The man was still blazing, as if he was on fire. 

You think you have it so hard, the voice spoke, sounding more twisted, more dark. No one loves you. Everyone hates you. You think anyone would ever want some pathetic piece of shit like you? 

He almost stumbled when something touched him from behind. A girl? Was that...Lizzie? You abandoned me, the voice no longer sounded like one person. You're heartless. You're nothing. You don't deserve to call yourself a queen. 

Cassian was shaking. The voices seemed so close, and whatever he thought Ezra or Lizzie was, they no longer seemed human. They were dark, creatures with burning eyes, made of shadows. 

Do you even have friends? Lovers? Anything? You literally lost your first fucking kiss with me, I don't think I need to contend with you about who's really more pathetic.

Thats sounded....that sounded....was this his own voice? He tried to speak, but nothing came out of his mouth. He couldn't speak. It felt like there was a rock in his throat, as his own words started echoing in the library, insult after insult. Pathetic. Weak. Just like your father. 

He covered his ears. No. No this wasn't real. He looked around, eyes flickering across the shelves, only to see the doors ajar, the gold eyes of a child peeking through once again. 

Wait! he immediately ran towards her, blindly rushing into the shadows, his eyes closed in fear that they'd grab him and pull him under. Wait! 

He was running after the child again. "Wait!" he shouted, but his legs were too short and she was too fast to really catch up. He was racing down the stairs as quick as he could when suddenly, he felt himself freeze. Why was this staircase so similar to the one back home? No. Oh no. He quickly ran back up, trying his best to get out of those basement stairs as quickly as he could. He could feel it, the darkness, the shadows–

"What do you think you're doing!?" a snarl came from the man now looming over him and Cassian could feel himself fall, landing on a heap on the floor.

Father? The boy scrambled to get up, when a kick landed on on his stomach, sending him sprawling on the ground. He curled up in pain. Why? Why was he kicking him? 

"I'm sorry," Cassian rasped, "father please..."

"Grovelling? A queen doesn't grovel," the voice was booming, loud enough to hurt his ears. Another kick sent him sprawling once more, and as he tried to crawl on his knees, the man's boot slammed into him, and he cried out in pain. 

What did he do wrong? Why was he doing this? He looked up, terrified. It...wasn't his father. No. His complexion was darker, his eyes glowed gold...Aela's dad? Was that what he looked like? He felt a jolt of fear run down his spine; was this the man that blinded her? 

His eyes glowed white and suddenly, he could feel a sharp jolt of pain, like his head was on fire. His eyes were wet. Was he crying? He tried to wipe it away, but the smell of iron made him gag. He tried to blink, tried to look up–

Nothing. Darkness, and suddenly, everything was silent. 

Perhaps that was the worst part of it too. He was all alone. The loneliness ate at him, the silence felt deafening. "Hello?" he called out, "is anyone there?" 

Was he all alone? 

The child's sightless green eyes were dull, as he curled up in the darkness. Darkness, that was all he had ever known. Then suddenly, he could see a light. A light? He tried to blink, seeing nothing but blurry shapes and half-figures, and suddenly, he could feel a hand hold his. He turned, blinking as his vision slowly returned, only to see the child he had been following earlier. 

Warm dark skin and golden eyes, curly hair..."Aela?" his voice shook. He could see a child, tears also in her eyes as her lip shook, as if she was about to cry. Immediately wrapping his arms around her, he didn't know what to say. All he knew was that he wanted her safe, far away from what was out there. 

You're not alone. 

That was her voice. Where was it coming from? Certainly not from the child he was holding. It was as if she was all around him. 

"Aela, I'm here," he murmured, "you never have to go back to your father, okay? He's gone. I promise you, he's gone." 

He could see a faint light in the distance, and he turned to the child again. "Let's go find the light, okay?" he asked softly. 

Cass.

Cass. 

Wake up, please. 

Everything was so dark, the light getting smaller. There was a flicker of something in the side of his vision. He swallowed thickly, still holding the child's hand as he made his way through the darkness. He could hear something in the distance. Growls. Skittering. Clicking sounds. This was just a dream. Nothing but a dream, he told himself, as he continued forward. This wasn't real. His father wasn't here. 

Keep moving, he told himself, as he reached a hand out, reaching past the darkness, to the light...

His eyes opened; instead of green, they were completely dark. A gasp left his mouth, and he tried to sit up, except his body wouldn't move. He could feel the weight on his chest again. A creature, sitting on him, its eyes glowing white, like a demon...why couldn't he move? He could feel it, the darkness, as if squeezing him like a cage. His chest tightened, the claustrophobia immediately welling up in his chest. No. No. He could see the shadows in the corners of his eyes, the same tendrils that had torn the manticore apart. 

"No," his voice was hoarse, a bare whisper, "No!" 

The young king had tried for years, to keep the darkness hidden, to keep it under wraps, and he could see the darkness, creeping around Aela. He couldn't move. Fear struck him and the darkness seemed to grow. 

"Aela–" he gasped, squeezing his eyes tight as he battled the darkness, trying to reign it in. For a moment, it seemed as if the darkness was starting to fade, but the sweat on his brow made it clear that he was having trouble with it. He knew there was no way he could pull back completely, not when it had grown like this, "you need to use your light. Please." 

He had never felt so fortunate to see the light. The immediate calm made it easier to breathe again, and slowly, he felt the creature within him calm, the waves that had seemed a hundred feet tall now felt like the sand underneath his feet, the small waves lapping at his shins as he stared into the horizon of his mind. The shadows slowly receded, pulling back, the dark scales that had practically appeared on his skin disappearing as the light touched him, and slowly, his eyes turned green again. 

He could move. 

Immediately jerking up, his breathing was still a little unsteady, but he immediately pulled Aela into a hug, holding her tightly as he buried his face in her shoulder. Growing up, he thought he feared his father more than anything, but now, it seemed like that had changed. He had been more terrified that his own powers would rip her apart–unable to control the wraith within him–than anything his father had ever done. 

"I thought I was going to kill you," his voice sounded small, "thank the spirits I didn't." 

He'd never be able to live with himself if he had done that. Cassian could feel the tears blurring his vision as they fell. A wet laugh left his mouth; he knew his father was cruel. He had always claimed he did this for Cassian's own good, but it didn't change what had happened. Eventually, he'd ask her what she saw, but right now, he just wanted to stay like this for a little longer, just to make sure this was real.

It felt strangely intimate, to be holding onto Aela so tightly. Weeks ago, he'd never imagine doing something like this–he had barely been able touch her, much less give her a hug–but right now, it was comforting, knowing that whatever had happened, someone else knew the pain and the frustration of being in the same position as him. 

It wasn't somewhere he would've ever chosen to be in, but right now, he was almost glad to be here, to have someone who just got it. 

For a while, Cassian didn't really want to let go, but as his heart rate returned to normal and the world came back into view, it seemed like the moment was slowly passing, and well, he didn't want to make it awkward for her. Slowly, he pulled away, using his sleeve to wipe at his eyes, feeling the faint warmth of embarrassment now starting to settle a little bit into his bones. 

He simply nodded at her question. There was no way he could go back to sleep either. He had always been afraid of small, dark spaces, and the dream had been a stark reminder of that. Pulling the blanket a little closer to his lap, he was now quite aware of everything that had happened. So it was his powers that had caused all of this mess. Powers he couldn't control. He had thought those days to be over, and the reality of it all came crashing down on him. 

So he had seen her nightmares, and she had seen his. Oh gods, she had seen his. His face flushed at the idea of it all; if he had been terrified of the things in his nightmares, he was mortified that now, someone knew exactly what he feared the most. It wasn't Aela's fault, and deep inside, he knew she wouldn't use it against him like Carina would. Still, the fact that someone knew such intimate details about him, the fact that someone could genuinely see past the mask he held onto, terrified him all the same. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" he mumbled, "what...you saw?" 

Cassian didn't know whether it was a good thing or not, that he was speaking first and avoiding his own mortification. The dreams were already fast fleeting, but he could remember the terror of it all, the labyrinth of the castle that only led to one nightmare after another. He closed his eyes, taking a slow breath in and out.

"I was in the castle," he started, "at first...I thought I saw Carina, or at least another girl with dark hair, but...when I reached out, I realized it wasn't her. I think it was your sister, but she didn't have a face." His eyes opened as he looked at Aela for a brief moment, before averting his gaze once again. "Neither did your mom, or anyone else. They were all just...ghosts, passing through the hallway. It felt like the spaces were getting narrower, and the castle was like a labyrinth. There wasn't anyway out..." 

He sighed. "I guess some part of the castle looked familiar and....I went up to the library and saw Ezra." He didn't know how she'd react to the name of the man who had left; he was still missing and she hadn't spoken of him at all since that night. "I reached out to him and he...he burned me. It was that night, but I thought....I thought he was actually going to hurt me. I saw Lizzie too. They were saying things, telling me I betrayed them, that I turned my back on them." 

He swallowed thickly. "Then I heard myself," his voice was barely above a whisper, "I...I was cruel when we first met. I...I didn't mean to say a lot of those things, especially about you and your dad, especially after..." 

The last part of the dream was still difficult to bring up. "I met him while trying to crawl out of a basement, and...he blinded me. I couldn't see anything, and I knew the space around me was closing in, and I thought I was going to be–" 

He shook his head. He knew Aela must've understood; she must've dreamt this dream a hundred times, over and over. "I'm glad he's dead," he mumbled, "no offence." 

He could empathise with her, at least to some degree. He had never felt as alone as she probably did, but as a child, he had been the same way. Cato was everything his father could ask for. He was sporty, confident, charismatic, the kind of man his father wanted him to be. He was the perfect heir to the Rotherhithe name, and he had been a saint in public, and an absolute menace otherwise. He hadn't been terrified of his brother, but it was clear that they had never gotten along; the other boy was vindictive and he saw Cassian as an embarrassment to the family name, after all.

If Cato had been everything his father asked for, then Carina was everything and more. He had wanted a daughter like her, and she had proved to be even better; her mastery of her powers had come so naturally, and she had been quick as a whip, manipulative and cunning and clever, something that few were born with. 

He had been alone, the disappointment, for as long as he could remember. He had been so other in his own family all the same. "I know what you mean," he sighed, "it's...hard to really be yourself when everyone else around you seems to have their roles figured out and you're not the same as they are, right?" 

His expression was unreadable. "I–," he started, looking at his own hands, "my mother told me something once. Someone has to leave first, it's the oldest story in the world. I...didn't agree with her when I was younger. I guess I thought that...even if they leave, someday they might come back, but sometimes,, I wonder if she's right. That...people are just bound to leave, no matter who's fault it is." 

He looked at Aela for a moment, before looking towards the faint light shining through the window. "I guess we all kind of become what we wish we wouldn't be," he murmured, "I told myself I'd never be my dad, and use people's fears against them but...sometimes I don't think I can help it either. I guess we both have some ways to go, but...I'm happy that you know now, that you didn't deserve all of that." 

He squeezed her hand once more, a silent yes to her own question.