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Feb 2, 2021 15:34:33 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 15:34:33 GMT -5
Aela tried to lean back, alarmed to find that the fence kept her pinned in. Her hands fluttered nervously by her sides, so she tucked them behind her skirt to hide her unsteadiness. She had to work hard to control her breathing, her pulse rocketing from his proximity.
What in the world was wrong with her? Why did she have this visceral of a physical reaction to him? They slept next to each other every night. But then again, he didn't look down at her with that smirk when they were in bed together.
Spirits, she was stupid. She knew that he didn't like being with her... physically... in that way. That was why she had restrained herself. Aela hated how much she had enjoyed it, knowing that he definitely did not feel the same. She had felt guilty for the moans she had to quiet when she saw the faintly bored look in his eyes. It was ridiculous for her to take pleasure in their time together when all he saw it as was a duty. And yet here she was, like an idiot, instinctively tilting her head back in case he changed his mind and decided he wanted to kiss her again.
How she hated this. "I don't want to kiss you," she whispered, cursing herself the minute her voice cracked from the nerves. "I told you that already."
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Feb 2, 2021 15:46:53 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 15:46:53 GMT -5
For a moment, Cassian's eyes were on hers, and it seemed as if he was genuinely going to kiss her. His dark eyes blazed with a certain curiosity, as he leaned in, his lips grazing her cheek, and to her ear. "I think you're lying," he murmured lowly, as his lips moved to the space right under her ear, his hands sliding to her shoulders, his knee pushed between her legs, the warmth of his lips against the delicate skin of her neck–
and he blew a raspberry.
Cassian couldn't help the grin that appeared on his face. Was that too mean? She had looked kind of nervous too, that flustered way she had tucked her hands behind her skirt. The mood had been strangely intimate for a moment before he ruined it. Then again, Cassian didn't do intimate, at least not since his last boyfriend. For a dark fairy, he really wasn't fond of tension in the air, and well, this was his way of dissipating it.
He wasn't sure if he had gone too far, but hey, it wasn't like Aela actually wanted to kiss him. She had said so herself. "Had to keep my promise to Jessi, right?" he chuckled, taking a step back, unaware of the thoughts that must've been rushing through Aela's head.
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Feb 2, 2021 15:58:03 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 15:58:03 GMT -5
Was Cassian blind, or just fucking stupid? Did he not feel her heart thrumming in her neck when his lips touched it? Did he not hear the hitch of her breath as he touched her? Did he not sense the way she'd moved closer, eyes closing expectantly?
And then he blew a raspberry?
Aela jerked back, stunned into silence for three heartbeats. There was a rush of emotion- disappointment, anger, and deep, deep mortification. Of course he was just toying with her. That's all anyone was to Cassian- something to entertain him. And here she was, ready to give herself up again- in a stable- if he'd said the word.
Surprising even herself, she stepped after him, raising a hand and striking Cassian across the cheek. It didn't hurt much, since she wasn't exactly a fighter, but it smarted. "Asshole," she hissed between her teeth, turning on her heel and marching off as quickly as she could towards the castle. Her cheeks were molten in their humiliation, her eyes smarted with tears, and she vowed that she would never allow herself to be that swayed by an idiotic, childish boy again.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 2, 2021 16:13:36 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 16:13:36 GMT -5
Ouch. He had expected her to yell at him, or to push his smug face away from her, but getting slapped in the face was a bit...unexpected. What the hell was that for? Out of all the things he had done, this wasn't even that mean. He had slapped her ass earlier and she barely responded, and before he could say anything, she was already storming off to god knows where. What did she say earlier? The library or something?
He wasn't the type to apologize, but as clueless as he was, he knew he had made a mistake. Rubbing his face, he ran after her despite having no idea what to say to her when he caught up to the girl. "Oi Aela!" he called out, watching her storm off. She wasn't responding. Oh, she was mad mad. As much as Cassian enjoyed her irritation out of spite, he didn't enjoy the anger at all.
"Hey wait up!" he finally caught up to her, grasping her wrist, "look I was just kidding, I didn't think you'd get upset about it. We were kinda joking around earlier, weren't we?" He was completely caught off-guard by the way she was reacting right now. It wasn't like he humiliated her in public or anything, right? Why was she so upset?
"Come on," he frowned, "don't be mad. I thought you hated me."
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Feb 2, 2021 16:35:44 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 16:35:44 GMT -5
Aela kept her face turned away from Cassian, refusing to let him see the salty droplets that welled in her eyes and slipped down her cheeks, leaving wet spots on the dirt by her feet. If anything, him seeing her cry would just add to the humiliation of all of this. She had never been so disappointed in herself, for actually wanting this man-child to... it smarted too much to think about.
"You thought- I was- Joking? Can you please your shriveled pea-brain for once in your damn life?" She asked, wrenching her wrist away. "Please, for my sake, leave me alone for a while. And I swear on my life that if you ever bring this up in any way ever again, I will kill you."
Not trusting her voice to say anything else without breaking, she moved off again, hands curled into fists. Once she was safely in the castle, she sequestered herself away in the most remote corner she could find, wrapping her arms around her legs and sobbing into her knees- angry, frustrated, bitter sobs.
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Feb 2, 2021 16:49:05 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 16:49:05 GMT -5
Okay, maybe that wasn't the right thing to say. Spirits, why were girls so damn difficult? He wanted to wring his hands in frustration. What did she even mean? How was this not a joke? He had played this game of chicken with the boys all the time. Once you call someone out and they double down on something, you just push them as far as they can until they admitted their lie, right? How was that not a joke?
He frowned. Then again, she probably never played that stupid game before. She wrenched her arm away from his grasp and disappeared as quickly as she could, but part of Cassian still felt....bad? Confused? She didn't want him to follow, he'd respect that, but they were eventually going to have to see each other again, right?
Maybe he should apologize. A Rotherhithe makes no apologies, the voice in his head spoke automatically. Frankly, he didn't even know what to apologize for, or how to do so. The last time he did, she had gotten angry at him at a dinner table. He wasn't going to make that mistake again either. The man wandered back into his room, lying on the bed, absorbed in his thoughts. Why was she so angry? It really couldn't be just...him playing a trick on her, right? She had taken all of his other jokes and quips, even the comments that were meant to be cruel, with an indifference.
The only thing he could imagine was that for some ridiculous reason, she was in love with him or something, which they both knew to be false. She hated every fibre of his being, they were only in this because of their circumstance. If she could kick him to the streets, she would.
Cassian waited, until inevitably, Aela would have to return to their room. When she finally came through the doors, he immediately sat up.
"Can we talk, please?" he asked, his voice strained, "look, I admit, my brain is pea-sized or whatever, so can you just tell me why you're this angry about earlier?"
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Feb 2, 2021 17:09:59 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 17:09:59 GMT -5
The look Aela gave Cassian was positively murderous, her hands clutching the fabric of her skirt. She was tired, and cried out, and here Cassian was bringing up the exact thing she had told him to never speak of again. "I thought I told you I'd kill you if you mentioned it," she said with a sigh, dropping onto the chaise lounge chair.
She didn't look ready to kill him anymore. She wanted to go to sleep, and here Cassian was bugging her. "If you can't piece it together on your own, I fear for your critical reasoning skills." Aela glanced over at Cassian, sighing when she saw he wasn't going to give up.
"Nobody has ever... touched me like that. Even as a joke. It was a bit of cruel joke to play on a poor, inexperienced damsel," she said finally, draping her arm over her eyes. "Especially one who hasn't had any kind of... release... in weeks. Don't you think?"
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Feb 2, 2021 17:18:11 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 17:18:11 GMT -5
Oh. So he hadn't been all wrong, even in his reasoning before. He knew there was something bothering her about it, and well, at least in this regard, he could be empathetic. He himself had been, well, a teenage boy at one point. It was true, they hadn't even mentioned sleeping together for weeks, and well, even if he had gone out and had a little fun once in a while, perhaps he was being a little inconsiderate. He had taken her virginity after all, as awkward as that was, so of course she'd be a little...frustrated with all of this. He had just assumed it was a duty she needed done, not something she actively wanted.
Cassian frowned, sitting cross-legged on the bed. He supposed it was a bit much. He didn't need to pin her against the wall just to make his joke clear, and well, he wasn't going to be so mean to make fun of her after she was actually honest with him for once. Frankly, he preferred this version of Aela, the one that didn't seem so fake all the time, acting as if he was just another responsibility or liability that had to be managed.
"Have you..." he started awkwardly, running a hand through his hair, "you know, tried to rub one out?"
Surely she could do that, right? They had stated that the others' affairs didn't matter. Why didn't Aela just go find someone else? Was she shy or something? Or was this another thing to do with upholding her responsibilities?
"I mean, if you want to do that in the bed or in the shower or something, I'm not stopping you," he held his hands up to make his point. His expression was serious for once.
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Feb 2, 2021 17:23:51 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 17:23:51 GMT -5
Aela sat up, brows furrowing as she looked at Cassian. At least he was being serious for once. But she had no idea what he was talking about. "Rub one out?" She asked after a moment. "Is that what they call it in Vela? Either way, I need... someone else for that. It doesn't have to be you, I guess, but... I can't just climb into bed with anyone I see. It was nerve-wracking enough the first time with you, and that was only a few weeks ago."
She was rambling. She cleared her throat before continuing. "Anyway. If I can't find anyone else, and you don't like touching me, I can't just... do it on my own." Aela laughed, as if the thought was ridiculous.
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Feb 2, 2021 17:29:40 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 17:29:40 GMT -5
Wait, she wasn't serious, right? He gave her an owlish look. What did she mean she couldn't do it herself? Spirits, what kind of sex education did this girl have? Had she never done it herself? Never tried to explore what she enjoyed? It was certainly not one of those taboo things that noble girls didn't do, he knew noble girls from his class. Frankly, they were probably freakier than he was at times. There was no way she really believed that, right?
"Wait, what do you actually know about, you know...sex?" he tried to keep the incredulousness out of his voice, "like, what did they teach you in royal sex education or whatever? Like, I get that you know, we have different anatomy and boys have it easier probably, but you do know that you can touch yourself, right? There's definitely easier ways to get off than finding another guy to have sex with you surely?"
Not that he meant that in a bad way. Shit, that just came out all wrong.
"I just mean that...well, you have hands and you can touch yourself down there. It'll probably be good for you too, to...get that tension out? I don't know, figure out what you like? Have you never done it before? You know, just put your hand there and...I don't know how girls do it, go ham I guess?"
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Feb 2, 2021 17:41:42 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 17:41:42 GMT -5
Royal sex education? "Well, my mom told me to wait for marriage, and that my husband would guide me through it," she said, cheeks aflame. "And then we never spoke of it again."
What was he saying? Touch herself? "What does ham have to do with this?" Aela asked, bewildered. "And I don't- how do I touch myself? Is it the same place where you... well, you know?" It would be nice to get the tension out, but would that help? She'd wiped after she peed before, and that was the farthest thing from pleasurable. How would keeping her hand down there be any different?
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Feb 2, 2021 17:50:09 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 17:50:09 GMT -5
If he thought his worst nightmare was some kind of thing brought on by his father, then he was wrong, because explaining things about sex to someone was way more mortifying. He could feel his cheeks warm up. Well her mother really did put way too many expectations on her future husband, he thought dryly, especially since he had practically just as little experience as she did.
"I–" he hesitated, unsure how to answer, "yeah I think so. I mean, my friends usually tell me that you just need to find the clit and that's the magic button, but I've...you know, never really uh....explored that. For guys, you know, you just grab it and...tug at it I guess? Ugh, I don't know how to explain." He didn't want to outright mention his sexuality to his wife, but spirits, she had to know by now, right?
He sighed. "Look, I'm not really the person you should ask about this," he looked a little exasperated, "but basically, you just gotta figure out what feels good for yourself I guess? Like, just find your...you know, and–" he was making lewd gestures now, trying to explain without having to say it.
"You can't know until you try? Just...pretend it's someone else doing it to you...what do you want them to do I guess?" his voice seemed to be higher than usual. Spirits, this was probably the most embarrassing conversation he had ever had. He knew his face was probably bright red right now.
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Feb 2, 2021 18:00:03 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 18:00:03 GMT -5
Aela was confused and frankly a little scared by what he was saying. "Yeah. Okay. Thanks," she said, sounding not entirely convinced that his plan would work. She didn't just want to be touched, she wanted to be kissed and held and how could whatever finger gun movement he was making replicate that?
"Maybe I'll try it, sometime..." Her tone was unconvincing. "And maybe sex just isn't for me- or touching ham or whatever you called it. But I do appreciate you taking the time to try to help me, even if you don't have any experience."
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Feb 2, 2021 18:15:27 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 18:15:27 GMT -5
He rolled his eyes. Great, now she was just shutting down. How could he explain that he was just as clueless as she was without making it seem like he was making fun of her?
"Look, I'm just trying to help, and the expression is definitely not touching ham or something," he frowned, "did you want a demonstration or something? I mean...surely there are books in the library or something that could explain it better than I can. Or you know, if all fails, just...I dunno, hump a pillow I guess."
Okay maybe that was a bit too crass. She clearly didn't understand what he was saying; she didn't grow up with the kind of friends he had. They were all vulgar, really. He sat with his hands on his knees. Honestly, he just felt bad now. He really wasn't trying to make it more confusing for her. If only he had been just anyone else, it would've solved this problem. He couldn't exactly feel comfortable sleeping with her like this, and she clearly needed some way to destress.
He sighed, lying spread-eagle on the bed, before turning to Aela. "I really didn't mean to hurt you earlier. I guess what I'm saying is...um, I don't want you going to bed angry?" Yep, he had no idea how to apologize.
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Feb 2, 2021 18:28:36 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 18:28:36 GMT -5
"Apology accepted. How could you know that acting sexual around me would turn me on?" Aela rolled her eyes, but the smile on her lips was faintly amused. "I promise I'm not mad any more." Disappointed, maybe, but not mad. Now that she knew the extent of Cassian's cluelessness, it stung a little less.
She moved to the bathroom after grabbing a nightgown, returning after she had finished changing. "And I guess I can look for a book in the library? I'm not sure how to find a demonstration- I can't go asking the servant girls to show me how to touch my ham. Maybe a book will help." Aela slipped under the covers, long fingers lifting to rub the smooth skin above her exposed collarbones, her smooth skin highlighted in the silver moonlight.
After a moment, she turned her head to face Cassian, a giggle escaping her lips. This was all so ridiculous, asking her gay husband for sex advice. "It was amusing to listen to you explain it, though. I'll come to you if I have any more questions. And I'll let you know if I have any success with... all this."
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Feb 2, 2021 18:44:28 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 18:44:28 GMT -5
Cassian rolled his eyes at her comment. "How was I supposed to know you were so horny?" he snarked back before he could stop himself. Of course, the moment she was nice, he was back to being his mean old self again. He couldn't help but snort at her comment about the servants. "You probably could ask them, but that'd be a pretty weird thing to ask," he almost laughed at the thought of Aela asking the maids what touching ham was. They'd have no idea what she was talking about at all.
For the first time, it seemed like they were just two kids, giggling in the same bed as if this was nothing more than a silly little sleepover. If Cassian didn't know her, he'd almost think they could be friends. It'd certainly be less awkward than trying to pretend they were madly in love with one another. The moment quickly faded and he shook the thought away. Things were the way things were; he wasn't going to try and pretend this was anything more than a moment of...he didn't really know how to explain it.
He just didn't take things for granted. Today was today; who knew what was to come tomorrow?
"Sounds good," he chuckled, as he slid under the covers, "hope your research goes well."
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Feb 2, 2021 19:29:12 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 19:29:12 GMT -5
Aela laughed, kicking him lightly in the shin before closing her eyes, drifting quickly off to sleep. She usually slept easily, but tonight her dreams were full of strange, foreign dreams.
She stood at the top of a stone staircase, leading down to a heavy wooden door. Aela knew she should turn and walk away, since the sight of that door filled her with a heavy sense of dread. But she couldn't move any direction except forward.
Step by step, she descended, closer to the door. Her skin was coated in a sheen of sweat, her pulse thrumming erratically in her ears, and still the door drew closer. When it swung open, her father was standing there, hand raised to strike her. He moved forward despite her pleas, the blow sending her sprawling onto the ground.
Aela sat up with a sharp inhale, shoulders heaving with her breath. What was that? A basement? And why? She'd never had nightmares before, no matter how much her father had hit her. Her whole body felt uneasy, tense and cold with sweat, and her fingers knotted in the silk sheets as she tried to control her breathing.
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Feb 2, 2021 20:08:12 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 2, 2021 20:08:12 GMT -5
Cassian's dreams weren't faring any better. It wasn't a nightmare, per se, but he found himself sitting at the edge of a bed as if they were in some sort of hospital. Except it wasn't...there was just medical equipment in a large room. He looked around; why did it seem so familiar? He was certain he had seen this room before. He looked at the bed, his breath hitching at the sight of his mother.
Mom? he called out, fear jolting into his bones, mom, are you okay? What happened? Where are we?
He was a child again, his feet barely touching the ground. He could see the woman sitting there, staring straight out. She was breathing. She was alive. She...didn't respond. Why did his chest hurt? Where was everyone else?
Carefully pushing himself off the chair, he stepped out into the hallway, looking for someone, anyone. What was going on? Why were they there? What was wrong with his mother?
He looked out towards the courtyard, surprised to see another little girl there. Carina? He stumbled forward, trying to chase after her. Carina! he shouted, wait for me! He hesitated. No, that wasn't Carina. Carina had brown hair. This girl's hair was darker...and he couldn't remember ever seeing his sister with short hair. Something was wrong. He could feel the darkness looming around the corner. There were people there, shadows of people, but they weren't real.
Find the mistake, he told himself as panic started to well up inside him. The walls felt like they were closing in on him as he ran. Find the mistake. Find the mistake. Wake up. Wake up!
He could feel his throat tighten. It wasn't the walls really, it was just this feeling. That there was no one there. No one who cared. He was all alone.
Cassian woke up. Why was his face wet? He quickly rubbed his eyes, hoping no one had seen that. He couldn't understand what was going on; it had been years since he had a dream like this, and this time, it didn't even feel like a nightmare. It just felt...lonely. He had gone through exercises like this for years, and he had always been able to find the mistake the last few times his father sent him under, but this...this felt different.
He rolled over onto his back, only to notice that Aela was already awake. Closing his eyes for a moment simply to force his mind to a standstill, he sat up groggily. "G'morning," he grumbled, "how early is it?" It was only when he turned to the other girl that he realized the sheen of sweat on her face.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked with a frown. She wasn't still upset, was she?
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Feb 2, 2021 20:16:30 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 2, 2021 20:16:30 GMT -5
"I'm okay," she mumbled, wiping the sweat off her face with the back of her hand. "Bad dream. Something about a basement? I don't really know. It didn't make any sense." The striking did, but the basement didn't- and anyway, she'd long since adjusted to being hit.
She flopped back onto the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. "It's too early to get up, anyway. We should go back to sleep- why are you up, anyway?" Had he had another bad dream? That was odd- maybe there was something in the water. Or they were just arguing too much.
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Feb 3, 2021 5:16:09 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 3, 2021 5:16:09 GMT -5
Huh, Cassian thought, weird. That sounded weirdly familiar. There wasn't a basement in the castle, was there? He almost shuddered at the thought. His own nightmares often took place in a basement too. For a moment, it seemed like he was about to mention it. That whatever she was dreaming of, it sounded way too familiar, almost like his own.
He decided against it. There was no reason to tell her this intimate detail about his own mental state. It'd only freak her out or, who knows, give her something else to make fun of the next time he pissed her off. Still, the idea that she'd dream of a basement made him just a little concerned; whatever the dream was, it couldn't have something to do with him, could it? He had never told anyone about that detail of their childhood. None of them had. It was something that was always kept under wraps. After all, if anyone knew that he didn't have much control over his own fairy gifts and his father had used that fear to draw it out, certainly some of the light fairies on the council would find it rather...barbaric, and the others of their kind would certainly see it as a failure on their bloodline or something. Dark fairies already had a hard enough time as is without rumours flying around.
He turned to Aela, before ruffling the bedhead mop of his hair. She wasn't off; his dream had been...unpleasant to say the least, but what would it look like? To be having nightmares twice in a row? All it did was make him look weak, like he needed some sort of doctor or shrink or something. That was the last thing he needed, more gossip about how the king wasn't fit to rule. At least it wasn't like the night before. He could pretend it was nothing.
"Just...needed to pee," he lied with a shrug, "yeah, you should go back to sleep." He stood up to head to the bathroom, "I can call for some tea or something if you want."
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