▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 17, 2021 5:25:20 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 17, 2021 5:25:20 GMT -5
Sympathy seemed to shine in Andi's gaze as she sipped her own glass of wine. "I get what you mean," she replied with a small smile, "honestly, it happens. Sometimes the world just deals you the worst set of cards possible and you can't do much about it." She knew the feeling; there was a reason why she was such good friends with the boys. They were all, in a way, hiding parts of themselves from their families. As much as she was furious with Cassian at the moment, she could empathise in the fact that society would never truly accept those she'd love.
"–but I don't think you should give up on love," she pointed out, "I might be coming from a different place since I'm not...married or anything yet, but even if you met the love of your life, things might not work out all the time because that's what happens when you're in love. At first, it seems like everything's perfect but eventually everything has cracks, you know? That's just how we are; nothing's really perfect in this world...but one day you might just find yourself you know, looking at your best friend and realizing that they're more than just a friend, that you could trust them with your whole life, and it might take forever for them to realize it but maybe they feel the same?"
She looked wistful, as if lost in her own world before turning back to Aela. "I'm sorry about your friend, I know this might not be helping," she replied sheepishly, "but I dunno, I don't want you to lose out on the world just because your first few love interests are pieces of shit."
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Feb 17, 2021 13:14:05 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 17, 2021 13:14:05 GMT -5
"Maybe," Aela agreed, tentatively, though she didn't see how that would be possible for her. "Thank you for being a good friend. You're the first new one I've had in a while. Maybe... I don't know. I've been so focused on being a queen, or a wife, or a lover. Maybe for a bit I need to focus on being my own person. Since I was never allowed to make my own decisions growing up, it would probably be good for me to make friends, travel, do the things I wasn't allowed to."
It would certainly not be easy to consciously defy her father's teachings. But if she couldn't, as the monarch, defy a dead man, then what power did she have? Aela would think about it tomorrow. She took Andi's hand, squeezing it. "You've been a big help to me."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 17, 2021 13:23:41 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 17, 2021 13:23:41 GMT -5
Andi smiled softly at Aela. "Don't worry about it, that's what friends are for right?" she held the other girl's hands in her own, "and I mean, you're always welcome to hang with us even if you're pissed at Cassian, okay? We might not have grown each other, and I might've been his friend first, but that doesn't mean we always take his side."
The other girl gave Aela a hug. "Just so you know, if you want me to slap your husband upside the head, you just need to let me know," she joked, "I think I'm pretty good at it."
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Feb 17, 2021 20:33:19 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 17, 2021 20:33:19 GMT -5
Aela laughed, snuggling down under the covers. It was nice, laying next to someone who she could laugh and chat with. It would be nice to talk to Cassian like this all the time, not just when they'd been drinking. Maybe... well maybe when she wasn't mad at him she'd seek him out to talk to him.
After a little more chatter, she drifted off, curled up. For once she had no nightmares- though that would change as she dealt with the aftermath of the fallout, without Andi's support. At least she wasn't hungover the next morning- even as groggy as she was. After saying goodbye to Andi and giving her one last hug goodbye, she made her way back to her own room, wondering if Cassian would be there.
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 17, 2021 20:59:07 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 17, 2021 20:59:07 GMT -5
It seemed like Cassian had barely gotten any sleep. It wasn't as if he didn't try, but it wasn't so much as nightmares as it was just...restlessness. He could feel it on his fingertips, a coldness that didn't seem to go away. His father had taught him to meditate, to reign in the emotions in an attempt to truly have control over his powers once, but even that didn't seem to work. Was it too much ecstasy in his system? He was as jittery as could be, as he practically paced circles and tossed and turned all night.
The next morning, he was still awake, the dark circles under his eyes visible as everything finally wore off, and everything hit him at once. He fucked up. Oh he really fucked up. He hadn't meant for any of this to happen; it had just been a quick, stolen moment with Ezra. How could he have known that the man was sleeping with his wife? That didn't matter to Cassian much–Aela could fuck anyone if she so wanted to, for all he cared–compared to the fact that he was gone.
He was really gone.
Part of him wanted to be angry, angry at Aela, angry at Ezra, angry at everything, but he couldn't even muster that up within him. All he knew was emptiness. As much as he had grown used to being alone, things had been better when the air between the two wasn't so strained. Things had been fine around the castle since he met Ezra. He hadn't hated it as much. Now, he was back at square one.
Aela entering the room caught him off guard. Still sitting on the bed, donning the same clothes he wore last night, he looked up, for once, not quite knowing what to say.
"He's gone," his voice was quiet, empty, his eyes not meeting hers, "he left for Vela last night."
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Feb 17, 2021 21:08:42 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 17, 2021 21:08:42 GMT -5
"Of course he left," Aela said, almost smiling despite herself. "He always leaves when he gets angry. You think I don't know him? I've bailed him out the Vela jail more times than I can count. He'll be back. He's just got to blow off steam." The queen crossed to the window, bracing herself against the windowsill and breathing in the fresh morning air.
Oddly enough, she felt refreshed. The door to romance in her mind was closed and locked and that made all of this easier. It wasn't quite square one- she understood Cassian a little better now. "I'm not mad at you, you know. I thought I would be, but I'm not. You didn't know." Aela turned back to the room, running a hand through her curls.
"I spent the night in Andi's room. We talked everything over. I was... well I was taken by surprise last night. Perhaps I was a bit unreasonable. I expected people to know my boundaries and wishes without saying them aloud. I don't quite know how to say this, but... well, I was hoping we could be friends. If I can't be in love with my husband, I'd at least like to be on good terms. Our one common friend has fled the castle, and I'm not ready to go back to being alone. We can start small- like real friends would."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 17, 2021 21:27:04 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 17, 2021 21:27:04 GMT -5
Cassian didn't know how he felt right now. Confused? Hurt, maybe? There was an ache somewhere in his chest, and the way Aela could just dismiss everything so quickly...he could never understand how she did that. How she could be in the same position as he was in one moment, and perfectly fine the next. Maybe he was just not cut out for this kind of role. Well, he already knew that. This just made it all the more real.
"I–" he didn't have the words to respond, and he swallowed thickly, trying to condense whatever jumbled thoughts he had into something at least somewhat coherent, but nothing in his head really made sense. The comedown was always shit–that he knew–but he had never felt this shit. "I thought you knew," he murmured, running a hand through his hair, "about...me sleeping with him. I really didn't–I wasn't–"
He didn't mean to hurt her. That was what he wanted to say, but even those words sounded so insincere coming out of his mouth. Hadn't he spent the first few months living here trying to spite her constantly? Hadn't he finally completed that job? There was no satisfaction out of all of this. A Rotherhithe never apologized, and frankly even if they did, he didn't know how. Then again, he wasn't really a Rotherhithe anymore, was he?
"I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm sorry," the words seemed so unfamiliar on his tongue.
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Feb 17, 2021 22:04:24 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 17, 2021 22:04:24 GMT -5
"Forgiven," Aela said, knowing it would not be as easy for Ezra to win her forgiveness. She crossed to Cassian, sitting by his side. "And I'm sorry- sorry we were both put in this position in the first place. Sorry that you were forced to marry me. At least now, if we're more open with each other, it can be easier, I think."
He looked terrible. What had he taken last night? Had Ezra's going really affected him that much? Certainly she felt a little on edge, seeing as it had been their first and only fight, but Ezra was a hothead. And he would go fight some guys and come back, same as he always did.
"Don't stress over Ezra, really. I've known him for half my life. He always overreacts. This whole thing will blow over, and you two..." This part was harder to get out, and it made her chest contract slightly. "You two can do whatever you'd like. I'm tired of trying to navigate sex, romance, and ruling all at the same time. I'd like to just focus on the latter- and doing things differently with the two of us."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 18, 2021 4:57:05 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 18, 2021 4:57:05 GMT -5
Such quick forgiveness wasn't something Cassian had expected. Part of him only ever knew a lack of it, only knew grovelling and begging, only to simply be ignored and punished, to have to earn that forgiveness back. For a moment, he simply stared at Aela, perhaps too tired or too baffled to really say anything.
He could never understand her, how she could so easily forgive and move on, how she could still be kind to him after he had lashed out, again and again. "You deserved better," the words left his mouth before he had even noticed them, his expression unreadable. She was the kind of girl who believed in happy-ever-afters and fairy tales with happy endings and here she was, stuck in a loveless marriage with someone who clearly wasn't meant for this sort of first-born heir type of role.
Even friendship...he had thought it all for naught, after he had all but thrown it all away. "To be honest, I don't know where to start," he replied, a dry chuckle leaving his mouth, "I feel like I ruined this friendship before it even started." He looked up to Aela, his expression sincere. "–but for all its worth...hi, my name is Cassian and it's nice to meet you. I hope we can be friends one day."
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Feb 18, 2021 8:38:45 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 18, 2021 8:38:45 GMT -5
Aela's expression softened, her hand reaching out to squeeze Cassian's. "You deserved better, too," she said quietly. "I understand more than anyone what it's like to not want this kind of life- only I've had years to adjust, and you're only a few months in."
It could have been worse. Aela knew of plenty of noblemen who hit their wives, or openly scorned them, or disappeared for months on end. There was even one nobleman suspected of his wife's early death, though no one had ever brought charges forth. A sulky boy- but one she could relate to- was far from the worst hand she could be dealt.
The reintroduction made her smile faintly. "Hello. I'm Aela, your wife, and I already consider you a friend. Perhaps a testy, snarky friend, but a friend nonetheless." Her own expression mirrored his in its sincerity. "Now as your friend, I'm telling you to get some sleep. No offense, but you look like you've been through hell."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 18, 2021 9:27:03 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 18, 2021 9:27:03 GMT -5
As her hand reached out to squeeze his, he gave her a squeeze back, a thank you in his own sense. There were worse people to be tied to, Cassian would agree. There were plenty who would've simply annulled the marriage even despite their mutual understanding that it'd be detrimental to the both of them. There'd be others who would've simply exposed who and what he really was, soaking in the scandal that few would dare bring up in the presence of royalty. After all, she was the queen regent, and despite his title, his role could always be disputed. Hers would not be.
He almost laughed at her next words. "I couldn't sleep last night," he admitted, a faint smile on his lips, "remind me to never get high again." His arms and legs already felt like weights dragging him down, and he leaned back, flopping onto the bed.
"What's your plan for the rest of the day?" his voice was soft with tiredness.
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Feb 18, 2021 11:40:20 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 18, 2021 11:40:20 GMT -5
"I should check in with the staff about the clean-up progress from last night. Other than that, most people take the day to recuperate from the gala. I was going to do the same." Aela watched Olive investigate a dustball by the fireplace, feeling more optimistic about the whole thing- at least for the moment.
"Tomorrow we have to- I mean," Aela cleared her throat, making a conscious effort to stop ordering him around. "When do you want to plan for the upcoming negotiation meeting with your father? It's coming up more quickly than I would like to think. I think it'll go smoothly if we put our heads together and prepare."
Knowing that information might ruin his mood, she followed up with, "And I'd like to go out to the ballet in Pyxis. Or a show. Something, and soon. I've never been. Maybe we can go together?"
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 18, 2021 12:06:06 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 18, 2021 12:06:06 GMT -5
Fuck. He had totally forgotten about the meeting. The universe just never wanted to give him a break, huh? He groaned at the thought of having to see his father again. "Right," he sighed, "that's with the council, right?" Did they even have a plan? He knew the man would be furious, and he did not want to be with his father on his own. I
"Just make sure not to leave me alone with that man," he grumbled, "I don't think I can deal with him myself. We need a counter offer for whatever he proposed I think. A compromise, maybe?" He was too tired to think about it right now.
He did, however, lift his head when Aela spoke of the ballet. She had never been, huh. "Yeah sure," he replied, "sounds like fun. Do you know which one you want to see?"
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Feb 18, 2021 12:33:28 GMT -5
Post by nostalgic on Feb 18, 2021 12:33:28 GMT -5
"Yes, with the council. Don't worry- we'll come up with a compromise. We can think about it tomorrow, I just wanted to give you some warning." Aela did feel bad about dropping it on him now, but she tried to divert the conversation to distract him.
"I will literally go see whatever is playing. I just... well, I haven't gotten out of the palace in a while. I need someone with more real life experience so I don't look like a complete fool in front of my subjects." Aela nudged his leg, offering him a grin. "Now get some sleep, seriously."
She stood, moving to grab her book and Olive. The queen would not be returning to the library for a while, but there was no reason she couldn't read out in the gardens while Cassian slept. "Hopefully you aren't plagued by any nightmares for a while."
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▲ my life is just constantly existing at ungodly hours
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Feb 18, 2021 12:47:33 GMT -5
Post by achromatic on Feb 18, 2021 12:47:33 GMT -5
"Thanks," he murmured, already half asleep. He wasn't so sure the nightmares would leave, with everything that had happened and everything that was about to happen too, but he could try. The man drifted into a dreamless sleep.
FIN
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